When You Can’t Admit the Relationship is Over

Ending relationships is no fun, but humor sometimes creates the insight needed to do so.

The therapist must be careful before entering the laughter zone, however. Time, trust, and compatibility are essential. First, the time it takes to build the individual’s confidence and comfort. Second, the counselor must have joked more than once. The doctor and client should enjoy each other’s company and have a firm, enduring relationship history, including the comic side of life.

The psychologist provides something close to indirect advice in the example below. The therapist’s timing and capacity to make his client laugh will diminish the sense that he is giving instructions to be followed.

The following encounter occurred more than once in the course of my practice:

The woman had been in treatment for some time. She had tried to persuade her lover to show less mean-spiritedness and more concern for her needs. Nothing worked despite repeated attempts. In the course of her office visits, I asked about the effectiveness of her efforts. My question, “What does that cost you?” was not new to her.

Frustrated with her boyfriend, this charming lady was not ready to leave him. One day, well into treatment, she began recounting yet another episode of disappointment. My response was unfamiliar.

“Dr Stein, is there anything else I can do to get him to respond to me in the way I’d like?”

A pregnant and thoughtful pause ensued.

I don’t think they make mallets that big.

An enormous laugh exploded into the room.

That line is not the only one I used to deliver a similar message. My female partner in our psychotherapy practice suggested a different one:

Get off the cross, we need the wood!

Between the possible risk of giving religious offense to the client and the implication he or she was whining, I rarely used the latter comment. Nonetheless, my partner assured me the patient’s response was the same whichever of these statements was made.

When the laughter died away, the client shifted to a pensive mood. “Yeah, I know you are right,” was the characteristic, sober, regretful response. It wasn’t unusual for the woman to begin to reflect on the history of her relationship and all the attempts she had made to recreate it. Pondering how to untie the connection to her boyfriend often ensued, though not always in the same session. Her thoughts, not mine.

This blog post does not guarantee hilarity or a turning point in the client’s life, but none of my patients became resentful or defensive upon hearing either punch line.

No one ever found a mallet and used it on the fellow they talked about or me. Nor do I believe a license is required to carry it. One word of advice, however: Be sure you don’t get a hernia when you lift the thing.

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The top image is called “The W-ST-T Just-asses a Braying-or-the Downfall of the E. O. Table” by James Gillray, 1782. The photo below it is Utah Moonset, 2024, by the wonderful Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.