Sex: When Your Spouse Says “No”

https://i1.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/85/Van_Loo_Naked_Man_and_Woman.jpg/240px-Van_Loo_Naked_Man_and_Woman.jpg

People always give reasons. Over the years, I’ve heard lots of them from couples, especially on the subject of sex.

These usually come in the form of complaints from husbands and excuses from wives, although it is the other way around more often than you might think. The excuses are frequently indirect expressions of marital discontent. Unfortunately, spouses do not always read these for what they are, especially men.

As you might have heard, men are from Mars (where a different language is spoken)! And, frankly, it is a planet where bluntness comes easily, and romance and consideration can be in short supply.

Many things have been known to come in the way of sex: depression, exhaustion, communication problems, physical difficulties, fear of performance failure, anger, an abuse history, and stress, not to mention a partner’s clumsiness and selfishness (or indifference) in the course of the act itself.

Here are a few of the reasons for sexual refusal that I’ve heard about most often, followed by thoughts concerning the failure of some males to get the message, the power of women, and a poetic plea on behalf of passion:

  • You aren’t kind to me.
  • It’s too early.
  • It’s too late.
  • Where were you when I needed help with the kids?
  • Maybe tomorrow.

  • You just yelled at me and now you expect me to make love?
  • I’m tired.
  • I’ve got a headache.
  • I’ve got a stomach ache.
  • You don’t treat me right.

  • That’s all you think about.
  • The kids might hear.
  • Wait until I finish my chores first.
  • I’m having my period.
  • I’m feeling unattractive.

  • I just need some “down time” to rest and be alone.
  • I don’t like the way my body looks.
  • I’ve got to study.
  • You mean the football game is over?
  • I wanted to watch this program (movie).

  • I’m feeling too full.
  • You never compliment me.
  • I need to get something to eat first.
  • You need to shave and shower.
  • I’ve got to clean.

  • Your not tender enough.
  • There isn’t enough time.
  • I just put on my makeup and did my hair.
  • Why is this the only time you show me any affection?
  • It doesn’t seem like you really want to do this.

  • I’ve got to do my nails.
  • I’m upset. I need you to listen to me, not get frustrated and insist I do things your way.
  • I’m waiting for a phone call.
  • The repair man is coming.
  • I’ve got a cold.

  • You never help with the chores, the errands, and the shopping.
  • I’m too warm.
  • I’m having a hot flash.
  • We never talk.
  • I want an apology first.

  • I’ve got an infection.
  • Where were you when I asked you to help with the cleaning?
  • I was just going to exercise.
  • I think I pulled a muscle.
  • My back hurts.

  • I’m not in the mood.
  • I feel too much pressure.
  • It didn’t work the last time.
  • You need to be more romantic.
  • Why do I always have to initiate it?

  • You finish too soon.
  • You criticize me too much.
  • You take too long.
  • You fell asleep the last time before we could do anything.
  • I don’t like it when you are drinking.

Instead of indirectness, some women might be advised to take a page from Aristophanes comedy Lysistrata, first performed in 411 BC. In the title role is a woman who organizes other Greek females to withhold sexual favors from their husbands or lovers until they agree to end the Peloponnesian War.

On the other hand, I’m reminded of the poem To His Coy Mistress by Andrew Marvell, the seventeenth century British poet and statesman. The narrator speaks to his reticent love about the shortness of life and her reluctance to seize the passionate and sexual day.

Unfortunately and perhaps unfairly, Marvell didn’t also pen a companion rhyme that favored the need for kindness, romance, shared responsibility, respect, and sacrifice in order to set the stage for passion as well as marital bliss.

Still, most men will identify with Marvell’s sense of urgency, all too aware that life is not infinite: “Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness, lady, were no crime…”

He continues: “The grave’s a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.”

The poet reminds the woman he loves that they will not always be in the bloom of youth and beauty, or capable of the explosive rush of passion that the springtime of life offers:

Now therefore, while the youthful hue, sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires…

Marvell closes with the idea that while they cannot stop the forward motion of time, at least their physical passion can make the most of it:

Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Like it or not, fair or not, marriages do die for lack of sex.

Sometimes that leads to infidelity, sometimes to divorce, and too often to a grim stalemate that is a bad imitation of what marriage can and should be, rather like being members of a two person prison chain-gang — something for each partner to think about before the flame of mutual attraction goes out.

The above image is Lovers by Jacob van Loo, a seventeenth century Dutch painter. Sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

What To Expect From Your Partner When Your Baby Arrives

Sometimes the idea of a baby is a little different from the reality of a baby. Ask a parent. But the reality doesn’t comprise only the feeding and care of the little one. It also involves changes in the relationship to the spouse–the person who contributed half of the genes that make up your tiny new person.

Mostly I’m talking about a first child here, since the newness of the event and a number of other parts of it are things for which one cannot  prepare.

Let’s start with the sheer exhaustion you will feel. Babies are demanding creatures and will disrupt your sleep and test your stamina. Whatever schedule you had now must be altered to fit your child’s needs. How will you and your partner divide the new responsibilities?

Everything must now be planned out, so if you were a spontaneous, in-the-moment sort of person before, you will be thrown off your game. Do you want to go to the movies? Who will watch the baby? Are you breast-feeding? Will you leave some milk behind while you are out? Do you feel good about the person who is watching the infant? Is he/she conscientious and responsible?

The job of going out with the baby is not less demanding. Packing all his/her stuff, bundling him up, carrying or pushing him around, and trying to concentrate on driving or shopping or friends or your spouse at the same time.

Then there is the question of your parents and your in-laws. Do they want to be very involved with your new-born? How will you and your spouse feel if they are around more often? Will they be supportive or critical of you as new parents?

Of course, in order to go out, you must have a few dollars in your pocket. Most new parents have only a few–the mother (yes, its still usually the mother) has, at least temporarily taken time off from work. And now there is baby furniture and clothing and food to buy and baby sitters to pay for. Fewer dollars tends to mean more tension in the marriage and more decisions to be made about how to use those dollars.

New parents also face an increased sense of responsibility. After all, you have a little one who is entirely dependent upon you for everything–his life, safety, financial well-being, his clothes, food, and not least, his emotional health. Are you doing it right? Are you harming him/her? These concerns are enough to make nearly anyone insecure.

And, with the demands and responsibilities of this new life, you will necessarily have less time for each other and less time for yourself and your friends. Not surprisingly, especially among insecure men, jealousy can come into play. In an unexpected turn of events, the adoring sex-bomb he married just might have eyes for someone else–his own child! And, the needs of that kiddie will tend to come first. Moreover, if you have parents staying with you, your sexual spontaneity can be further diminished by their proximity. Later, you might also hear the phrase, “Not now–wait until the baby is asleep,” or later still “Not now, the kids might hear.” And one or both of you might occasionally find yourself thinking, to your surprise, that a nap sounds a lot better than sex.

In the time following the birth, the wife often feels less attractive, especially if her weight doesn’t come down to her pre-pregnancy number and the bags under her eyes reflect the sleeplessness of her new duties. Will the husband be understanding about this?

Heard enough? I haven’t even mentioned the differences in child-rearing styles that you will likely discover when your baby gets older.

Now that I’ve made the case against springing for a new off-spring, I will say something else: it can be one of the most wonderful times of your life. A time when you and your spouse pull together, find out new things about each other and about life, and glow with the love that only a child can evoke from you. If you are not dazzled by this new life, a life that you and your partner created out of nothing, a life that is different from any other one that exists now or ever existed, then you are missing one of the most wonderful experiences possible; it is a kind of falling in love, just as overwhelming as the romantic kind, but different.

Sure its a challenge, but what worthwhile tasks are not? It can be intense, delightful, joyous, worrying, demanding, and frustrating all at once.

But if you do it close to right and have a little luck, you will look back on your time on the planet knowing that it was the most important and rewarding thing you ever experienced.