Over 200,000 of you have read my essay, Signs of Insecurity, one of my first blog posts. Might you want to determine if you are more secure than you were? I offer 20 signs of confidence. Though I begin with one on the lighter side, the discourse is no joke:
- Getting over how you look, as much as any of us can. This is easier for a man to say, and essential for a bald one, including yours truly. I don’t mean you ought not be presentable. Dress well if you can afford it and care to. Exercise and eat right for the sake of health, fitness, and energy – you bet. Just give up on the comb-over, dressing as if you are 18 when you are 55, and resign from the competition with your earlier self and the gorgeous young people sprouting like weeds you wish you could eradicate. Accept your appearance until you obtain your next driver’s license photo and scream, “Oh, no!”
- Keeping eye contact. I’m not talking about a zombie gape or an effort to intimidate, although the “Stein Stare” – as my kids call it – is handy on occasion. You’ll learn more if you can recognize “who’s there” in the eyes of the other, make human contact, and display tenderness. And sometimes you will be dismayed to discover your counterpart’s “lights are on, but no one is home.”
- Making difficult phone calls. I agree email is easier. But if someone wants you to call, you do this, even if fearful of rejection or otherwise uncomfortable.
- You are open to your mistakes and learn from them. A wise friend (Henry Fogel) told me, “I try to make new mistakes.” In other words, he wished to avoid repeating the old ones.
- The ability to give competent business presentations and speeches. This means you practice and present enough to become competent.
- Doing hard things solo, without hand holding. Travel, for example. Eating by yourself at a nice restaurant. Going to a professional meeting alone and talking to strangers. The same with parties. If you are introverted, you still won’t love group events, but will manage them when necessary.
- You can tell a story or a joke. Again, you will do better with practice. You laugh at yourself, too.
- Making difficult choices with a minimum of procrastination and regret. While a few decisions take time, routinely you study them, get the consultation you need, and choose. Most should be possible on your own. No free lunch, however, when the alternatives are both desirable or both bad. Still, you only stay on the high wire for so long, between one place and another.
- Not taking criticism to heart or attacking the critic as a matter of course. Nor do you believe all the negative evaluation you receive. You choose to listen only to those you respect or who possess a particular expertise; and, the ones who are dear: whose intimacy, happiness, and goodness you value. When you screw up, you admit it.
- Giving bad news, if possible, face-to-face. I am including here romantic rejections (unless you are dealing with a stalker), job terminations, and saying “no” to those who implore you (say, for a loan or money to buy drugs) when a “no” may seem heartless. Being able to say “no” is crucial, lest “takers” suck the life out of you.
Take a breath. Here are the second ten:
- Possessing the courage to “risk” in spite of everything. A confident person can sometimes (not always) reframe a crisis as an opportunity. Both the Stoics and 20th century theologian/philosopher Paul Tillich recognized the hardship and pain of life, but tell us we must embrace those evils nonetheless in pursuit of its riches. The alternative is to turn away or hide; and, thereby reduce our existence to living behind a barricade.
- You make your way without excess apology. State opinions with tact, but strength. Reflect upon yourself to know what you value, then live those values. You do not sacrifice your interests solely for approval, to please others, or to assuage guilt.
- You do not crave the spotlight, but you can show leadership. Success is shared with coworkers who also contribute.
- Being up to most situations, in control of yourself most of the time, not shaking in your boots. You avoid avoidance, remind yourself (except in true extremity) that worse things have happened and you will survive the present moment if it is fraught.
- Because you accept who you are, you don’t spend inordinate time downing yourself internally or to others. You affirm your positive qualities more than you kick yourself.
- Expressing and receiving love. You make friends and permit some of those friends to see the vulnerable part of you. Hurt cannot be avoided, but in your openness you will find the greatest opportunity for joy.
- You master your nerves. The recently deceased opera singer, Carol Neblett, said, “Of course I have nerves. Anyone who doesn’t have nerves is a fool.” Not quite, but many of the greatest performers do. Johnny Carson, legendary Tonight Show host, claimed he never went on stage to give his monologue without nervousness. The trick is to proceed despite your fear, as he did.
- Taking opportunities. Rather than being self-effacing, waiting to be called upon, you recognize enough of your strengths to say “yes” to those chances that reveal themselves, and creatively seek the dimly lit openings unseen by others, neither overestimating nor diminishing your capacity to succeed. You are assertive. Studs Terkel understood. He signed off from each of his WFMT interview shows with the words, “Take it easy, but take it.”
- You don’t have to be right. In entering conversations you listen a good deal, considering the arguments that might cause you to amend your view. You do not let pride or insecurity take over and demand you “win.” You identify an exchange of ideas as an opportunity to learn, not triumph.
- Affirming your truest, enduring, most genuine self. You possess knowledge of qualities in yourself needful of alteration, but embrace those aspects of your being essential to you – essential to your nature. These inform you who you must be when you are most true to yourself. This requires courage, as Paul Tillich tells us. You are then like an early spring robin singing his song. He can do no other. Those who live by suppressing, denying, or hiding their essence inflict a terrible injury upon themselves: self-alienation or self-estrangement. As Oscar Wilde put it (tongue in cheek): “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Please take the listed items as aspirational, rather than expected or required. I realize accepting yourself and improving yourself are ideas in contradiction, but confidence allows for both. I’ve witnessed it. No one is secure in every situation, every moment, except for a few people too foolish to recognize they are lost at sea.
I’m “confident” you own a paddle even if you are on the water. How do I know? Because, if you have read this far, you are already a thoughtful person.
A good start.
The top image is A Beautiful, Self-confident Woman by Hno. Oscar Galo Artista plastico Picassiano. The second one is a Study of a Nude Man (The Strong Man) by Thomas Eakins. Both come from Wikimedia Commons.