A Humorous Guide to Helping Your Daughter Choose a Mate

"wanna beer?" "it's 7 o clock in the moring." ... "scotch?"

Start by being suspicious — of six-year-old boys! If you really want to protect your little sweetie pie from evil-minded males (in other words, normal guys) you have to get an early start. This will give you some time to develop your profiling skills. Assume a “hell no, he’s not right for you” stance — with every boyfriend she ever has. Since most people date lots of losers before they marry, you will be right virtually all the time and thereby enhance your credibility. Good job, mom! Good job, dad!

Ah, but that is only the first step in assuring that your innocent daughter will not make a mistake. What do I mean by a mistake? Well, first of all, that she will have sex — ever. You know, deep down, that you don’t want this to happen. Not at any age. Not if she lives to be 100. Certainly not in your own lifetime.

Nor do you want someone who will disappoint her, break her heart, or live off her hard-earned wages. No, if she must marry (and this is pretty doubtful in your mind) it should be to someone who can earn a good living and put her on a pedestal.

OK, are you serious about protecting your beautiful child? Are you willing to do anything — anything and everything it takes? Then here is a short list of steps to guarantee, if not perpetual virginity, then at least the chance that she will marry a good man (of whom there are only three on the planet):

  • Start by eliminating any guy with an earring, tattoo, or body puncture of any kind. Too harsh? That is the whole point of this! Remember that I said there are only three acceptable guys on the planet. You can’t expect me to make the qualifications too easy, can you?
  • Greet the young man with a chainsaw in your hand (ideally one that is on) and the grim expression of Michael Keaton above (from Mr. Mom).
  • Ask your potential son-in-law to provide you with the results of an IQ test performed by a licensed psychologist. Me! If he scores below the 98th percentile, he is history.
  • He must be willing to submit a complete medical report before arriving for date #2. Results of genetic testing should be included. You need this information so that your future grandchildren have a good chance of being free of imperfection.
  • Require the suitor to provide you with letters of recommendation from at least one person in each of the following categories: a) past girlfriend b) clergyman or woman, preferably the Dalai Lama or the Pope c) employer d) supreme court justice e) someone he saved from a burning building or a speeding bullet. OK, maybe that is a little extreme. So, let’s say at least four of the five categories.
  • Never smile unless it is in a devilish fashion. Give him “the stare.” Hold eye contact until he breaks it off and leaves the house, whimpers, or begins to weep. Practice in the mirror until you look like this:

Bela Lugosi

  • Ask the young man a series of innocent questions such as:

a) “Have you ever given any thought to what it might be like to be waterboarded?”

b) “Define the word ‘abstinence’ and explain what you think about it.”

c) “Other than eyes or hair, what is your favorite female body part and why?” (If he says “feet,” assume that he is a foot-fetishist and throw him out).

d) “What are your goals in life if you grow up?”

  • Be sure to purchase a military arsenal and install it in a special, locked, dungeon-like room in your home. Make certain that you show this to your daughter’s suitor the very first time he comes to pick her up for a date. Diplomas you earned for marksmanship and martial arts should be prominently displayed, with casual references to “some unfortunate disappearances that happened” to your daughter’s previous boyfriends, and how the police were unable to find them. Newspaper accounts of the “disappearances” should be framed and hung on the dungeon’s walls.

Parents have paid me a small fortune for these tips. The techniques have stood the test of time. They can be used by both parents together or by either mom or dad. For a limited time only, they are yours free of charge. Consider yourself lucky.

And lucky that your son didn’t try to date my daughters!

P.S. Since my children each married great guys, that means there is now only one other decent single man available in the world. You might have to make your screening process even tougher than mine!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/15/Jacqueline_Bouvier_Kennedy_Onassis2.jpg/256px-Jacqueline_Bouvier_Kennedy_Onassis2.jpg

The bottom photo by Toni Frissell is of Jacqueline Kennedy Throwing the Bouquet at her First Wedding, September 12, 1953. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

Why Women Say “You’re Too Nice” or Why Nice Guys Often Finish Last

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/79/Day_255_%2Apublic_version%2A_-Some_days_I_just_want_to_curl_up_in_a_ball...jpg/500px-Day_255_%2Apublic_version%2A_-Some_days_I_just_want_to_curl_up_in_a_ball...jpg

It’s not nice to be told that you are “too nice,” especially if you are a man — a young man — trying to win a woman’s favor. Most of those who have heard this wonder why something “good” — being “nice” — is held against them. Often they observe the very same women with other males who are much less considerate, generous, and kind.

Do you have the sort of kindness that is disqualifying? Kinda’ seems unfair, doesn’t it?

Some of these women, it’s true, have poor judgment. They are drawn to men who are exciting but irresponsible or cruel. Perhaps they are unconsciously trying to find someone who reminds them of a parent who was not sufficiently devoted to them. The new prospective boyfriend now gives them a second chance at getting the type of love they couldn’t achieve from mom or dad; who were rejecting, disinterested, or preoccupied with other people and other things.

Even so, the “too nice” indictment doesn’t always really mean you are too nice. That phrase can be just a stand-in for a lack of “chemistry,” an absence of sheer physical attraction, or a feeling of being bored.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5e/Cobalt_chloride_equilibrium.JPG/256px-Cobalt_chloride_equilibrium.JPG

Chemistry Anyone?

Boredom doesn’t sound good, I know, but if you are a Cubs fan and the female of your dreams doesn’t like baseball, or if you are into country music and she can’t bear it, boredom or disinterest can be the result.

Kind and decent young men need to recognize that there just might be something useful in the dreaded “too nice” communication. Something in the blunt trauma of the words “you are too nice” may need to be learned — the hidden meaning behind the statement.

From an evolutionary and prehistoric perspective, consider what qualities a woman needed in a mate: physical strength, power, and courage would have been useful in protecting the female (and the couple’s kiddies) from danger. Forcefulness, self-assertion, and wiliness might also have helped her potential mate to fulfill that function. Additionally, those characteristics signaled that the man was “fit,” both physically and mentally, and therefore able to produce healthy offspring.

The woman who instead chose the “weak” suitor, the one who was passive or hesitant, perhaps found that he could not “make” a living for them or defend the home. Their children’s survival became more doubtful because of the man’s limitations. If so, evolution would not have favored his characteristics, nor those in the female that caused her to make a poor choice of mate. The genes carrying such tendencies would not have been passed on through the generations, having fallen to the law of the jungle.

To the extent that females paired with strong men increased their children’s odds of reaching adulthood, the tendency for women to choose a bold male would have increased over time. And, it is likely that the most physically attractive females (in effect, the ones who looked most “fit”) would have tended to be selected by the most assertive and forceful men, thus linking beauty and a preference for powerful males in our genetic future.

Women, like men, look for signs of vigor and health, even if they do so unconsciously in the mating game. Without these qualities, the chance of passing on your genes by producing children who live long enough to reproduce themselves isn’t that good.

Moreover, a female today may also want a husband who is an admirable role model for her children, someone to share the burden of decisions and making a life together — in other words, an assertive, capable man who can take on the world. However unfair it can be, these same women just might interpret a worshipful, uncertain, passive, overly considerate man to be a potential liability.

“Niceness” isn’t necessarily the equivalent of weakness, but it can look that way. Doubtful young men, afraid of losing favor, often make themselves less attractive by their hesitation. Meanwhile, those top-dog alpha males who act boldly, are frequently admired in spite of having an edge that gives offense.

I recently read a study with a most intriguing title that is related to this topic: Do Nice Guys — and Gals — Really Finish Last? The Joint Effects of Sex and Agreeableness on Income by Timothy Judge, Beth Livingston, and Charlice Hurst. It was published in 2011 in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Briefly, they found that men who are too agreeable make significantly less money than men who more closely meet a somewhat contentious male stereotype. For the purpose of this type of research, “agreeableness” is consistent with characteristics like being trusting, straightforward, altruistic, compliant, modest, and tender-minded. Those men were also less likely to obtain recommendations for professional advancement.

In contrast, the customary male is prone to “aggressively advocate for (his) position during conflicts.” These more traditional males are also inclined to push their own personal agendas relative to other people and to challenge the status quo. Such individuals tend to be seen as more competent than those who are too agreeable, as well. Moreover, agreeableness impacted “earnings more negatively for men than for women,” meaning that being agreeable hurt female income less. Based on these results, it would seem that women are on to something of practical value when they sense that a man is too nice.

What can you do, then, if you are the aforementioned nice young man?

Find ways to boost your confidence. Learn to face challenges rather than avoiding them. Build your body. Compete. Don’t be too deferential.

Lead. Make decisions. Have opinions. Take a stand. And, whatever you do, do not become worshipful of the woman you are with by the second week of your acquaintance with her.

None of this means you should be callous, hurtful, or cruel. Indeed, courtesy, romance, and thoughtfulness have their place, too, if you want to win the fair maiden’s heart.

Just don’t lapse into a fetal position.

Unless, of course, you are looking to be treated like a fetus.

Fetus (12 weeks old)

The top image is called Some days I just want to curl up in a ball… by Michael Dunn. It is followed by three test tubes of Cobalt Chloride in various stages of equilibration with hydrochloric acid, downloaded by Chemicalinterest. These two photos are sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Finally, a 12 week old Fetus sourced from MedlinePlus.

Leo Durocher, Hall of Fame baseball manager and former player, was quoted saying that “nice guys finish last” in 1948. He was then the manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers and was referring to the New York Giants. Ironically, he would soon find himself managing those “nice guys.”