Start by being suspicious — of six-year-old boys! If you really want to protect your little sweetie pie from evil-minded males (in other words, normal guys) you have to get an early start. This will give you some time to develop your profiling skills. Assume a “hell no, he’s not right for you” stance — with every boyfriend she ever has. Since most people date lots of losers before they marry, you will be right virtually all the time and thereby enhance your credibility. Good job, mom! Good job, dad!
Ah, but that is only the first step in assuring that your innocent daughter will not make a mistake. What do I mean by a mistake? Well, first of all, that she will have sex — ever. You know, deep down, that you don’t want this to happen. Not at any age. Not if she lives to be 100. Certainly not in your own lifetime.
Nor do you want someone who will disappoint her, break her heart, or live off her hard-earned wages. No, if she must marry (and this is pretty doubtful in your mind) it should be to someone who can earn a good living and put her on a pedestal.
OK, are you serious about protecting your beautiful child? Are you willing to do anything — anything and everything it takes? Then here is a short list of steps to guarantee, if not perpetual virginity, then at least the chance that she will marry a good man (of whom there are only three on the planet):
- Start by eliminating any guy with an earring, tattoo, or body puncture of any kind. Too harsh? That is the whole point of this! Remember that I said there are only three acceptable guys on the planet. You can’t expect me to make the qualifications too easy, can you?
- Greet the young man with a chainsaw in your hand (ideally one that is on) and the grim expression of Michael Keaton above (from Mr. Mom).
- Ask your potential son-in-law to provide you with the results of an IQ test performed by a licensed psychologist. Me! If he scores below the 98th percentile, he is history.
- He must be willing to submit a complete medical report before arriving for date #2. Results of genetic testing should be included. You need this information so that your future grandchildren have a good chance of being free of imperfection.
- Require the suitor to provide you with letters of recommendation from at least one person in each of the following categories: a) past girlfriend b) clergyman or woman, preferably the Dalai Lama or the Pope c) employer d) supreme court justice e) someone he saved from a burning building or a speeding bullet. OK, maybe that is a little extreme. So, let’s say at least four of the five categories.
- Never smile unless it is in a devilish fashion. Give him “the stare.” Hold eye contact until he breaks it off and leaves the house, whimpers, or begins to weep. Practice in the mirror until you look like this:
- Ask the young man a series of innocent questions such as:
a) “Have you ever given any thought to what it might be like to be waterboarded?”
b) “Define the word ‘abstinence’ and explain what you think about it.”
c) “Other than eyes or hair, what is your favorite female body part and why?” (If he says “feet,” assume that he is a foot-fetishist and throw him out).
d) “What are your goals in life if you grow up?”
- Be sure to purchase a military arsenal and install it in a special, locked, dungeon-like room in your home. Make certain that you show this to your daughter’s suitor the very first time he comes to pick her up for a date. Diplomas you earned for marksmanship and martial arts should be prominently displayed, with casual references to “some unfortunate disappearances that happened” to your daughter’s previous boyfriends, and how the police were unable to find them. Newspaper accounts of the “disappearances” should be framed and hung on the dungeon’s walls.
Parents have paid me a small fortune for these tips. The techniques have stood the test of time. They can be used by both parents together or by either mom or dad. For a limited time only, they are yours free of charge. Consider yourself lucky.
And lucky that your son didn’t try to date my daughters!
P.S. Since my children each married great guys, that means there is now only one other decent single man available in the world. You might have to make your screening process even tougher than mine!
The bottom photo by Toni Frissell is of Jacqueline Kennedy Throwing the Bouquet at her First Wedding, September 12, 1953. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.