Finding Your Soul Mate: Everything You Need to Know

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The idea of a “soul mate” goes way back. How far back? Before the notion that destiny had a hand in marriage and before Eve was allegedly created for Adam by removing his rib. All the way back to Plato, 2500 years ago.

Indeed, in his writing you will find the idea of a “better half,” quite literally. If you believe you are missing something in the relationship department, you can do worse than consult the wisdom of the ancient Greeks.

Plato deals with the proper mate in his Symposium, the story of a dinner party in which everyone takes a turn praising love. The most famous of these speeches is by the poet Aristophanes, who says we were rather different creatures at the dawn of mankind. Humans came in three varieties: males, females, and hermaphrodites (people with both male and female sex organs). These folks were big and strong — pretty full of themselves — and attempted a heavenly assault on the gods.

Zeus, heaven’s CEO, decided to put the insolent hoard in its place. He cleaved each of the three types of Homo sapiens in half to make them all weaker — cutting them down to size and making two people out of each one. Since they all began with two faces, four legs, and four arms; they were left with one head, two legs, and two arms, exactly as we are today. Similarly, because they originally had two sets of sex organs, now they had but one, the standard allotment for you, me, and our children. Of course, Zeus had to do a bit of sewing to make appearances seemly.

What happened next speaks to the question of looking for your soul mate:

“Now, when the work of bisection was complete it left each half with a desperate yearning for the other, and they ran together and flung their arms around each others’ necks, and asked for nothing better than to be rolled into one … “

Aristophanes story thus explains why we are always trying to make “two into one.”  “Each of us is forever seeking the half that will tally with himself.” We wish “to be merged, that is, into an utter oneness with the beloved.”

The author also explains sexual preferences. The original man, when cut in two, sought another man — his second self — to retrieve the love he lost. The women who began our race also wanted their earlier female counterpart. Only the hermaphrodites desired a heterosexual relationship because their other half was of a different gender.

Later on in this work Plato offers us a speech by Socrates as the ultimate word on love. No soul mates, I’m afraid. For Socrates, love must always be the love of something; and his target is loftier than any of the preceding speakers imagined and free from a preoccupation with mere physical beauty. Indeed, it is so spiritually beautiful, wise, eternal, and perfect as to be beyond even his description. This was the original meaning of a platonic relationship: one in which the partners take part in the most elevated, transcendent discourse.

For those of us living on earth, however, my hunch is Aristophanes’ story has the greatest appeal. It is certainly entertaining and set Western civilization in pursuit of the perfect mate: one who is “hot,” fun to be with, and shares the same interests. Ah, well … perhaps something was lost in the fog of time and translation.

Should you wish to learn more about love I suggest you cozy up to Plato. On the other hand, the Collected Dialogues (of which the Symposium is one) offer cold comfort if you are looking for a warm body.

Still, if you really get into it, you won’t be thinking of human touch. You will be enamored of wisdom — face to face with virtue’s self.

And you will have become a philosopher.*

Socrates would be pleased.

The above painting is an African mixed-media canvas by Turgo Bastien, sourced from Turgoart on Wikimedia Commons.

*The word philosopher derives from two Greek roots: philo, meaning love and sophos, meaning wisdom. Tread lightly, however, when you meet a woman called Sophia. Sophos is the root of her name!

Sex: When Your Spouse Says “No”

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People always give reasons. Over the years, I’ve heard lots of them from couples, especially on the subject of sex.

These usually come in the form of complaints from husbands and excuses from wives, although it is the other way around more often than you might think. The excuses are frequently indirect expressions of marital discontent. Unfortunately, spouses do not always read these for what they are, especially men.

As you might have heard, men are from Mars (where a different language is spoken)! And, frankly, it is a planet where bluntness comes easily, and romance and consideration can be in short supply.

Many things have been known to come in the way of sex: depression, exhaustion, communication problems, physical difficulties, fear of performance failure, anger, an abuse history, and stress, not to mention a partner’s clumsiness and selfishness (or indifference) in the course of the act itself.

Here are a few of the reasons for sexual refusal that I’ve heard about most often, followed by thoughts concerning the failure of some males to get the message, the power of women, and a poetic plea on behalf of passion:

  • You aren’t kind to me.
  • It’s too early.
  • It’s too late.
  • Where were you when I needed help with the kids?
  • Maybe tomorrow.

  • You just yelled at me and now you expect me to make love?
  • I’m tired.
  • I’ve got a headache.
  • I’ve got a stomach ache.
  • You don’t treat me right.

  • That’s all you think about.
  • The kids might hear.
  • Wait until I finish my chores first.
  • I’m having my period.
  • I’m feeling unattractive.

  • I just need some “down time” to rest and be alone.
  • I don’t like the way my body looks.
  • I’ve got to study.
  • You mean the football game is over?
  • I wanted to watch this program (movie).

  • I’m feeling too full.
  • You never compliment me.
  • I need to get something to eat first.
  • You need to shave and shower.
  • I’ve got to clean.

  • Your not tender enough.
  • There isn’t enough time.
  • I just put on my makeup and did my hair.
  • Why is this the only time you show me any affection?
  • It doesn’t seem like you really want to do this.

  • I’ve got to do my nails.
  • I’m upset. I need you to listen to me, not get frustrated and insist I do things your way.
  • I’m waiting for a phone call.
  • The repair man is coming.
  • I’ve got a cold.

  • You never help with the chores, the errands, and the shopping.
  • I’m too warm.
  • I’m having a hot flash.
  • We never talk.
  • I want an apology first.

  • I’ve got an infection.
  • Where were you when I asked you to help with the cleaning?
  • I was just going to exercise.
  • I think I pulled a muscle.
  • My back hurts.

  • I’m not in the mood.
  • I feel too much pressure.
  • It didn’t work the last time.
  • You need to be more romantic.
  • Why do I always have to initiate it?

  • You finish too soon.
  • You criticize me too much.
  • You take too long.
  • You fell asleep the last time before we could do anything.
  • I don’t like it when you are drinking.

Instead of indirectness, some women might be advised to take a page from Aristophanes comedy Lysistrata, first performed in 411 BC. In the title role is a woman who organizes other Greek females to withhold sexual favors from their husbands or lovers until they agree to end the Peloponnesian War.

On the other hand, I’m reminded of the poem To His Coy Mistress by Andrew Marvell, the seventeenth century British poet and statesman. The narrator speaks to his reticent love about the shortness of life and her reluctance to seize the passionate and sexual day.

Unfortunately and perhaps unfairly, Marvell didn’t also pen a companion rhyme that favored the need for kindness, romance, shared responsibility, respect, and sacrifice in order to set the stage for passion as well as marital bliss.

Still, most men will identify with Marvell’s sense of urgency, all too aware that life is not infinite: “Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness, lady, were no crime…”

He continues: “The grave’s a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.”

The poet reminds the woman he loves that they will not always be in the bloom of youth and beauty, or capable of the explosive rush of passion that the springtime of life offers:

Now therefore, while the youthful hue, sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires…

Marvell closes with the idea that while they cannot stop the forward motion of time, at least their physical passion can make the most of it:

Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Like it or not, fair or not, marriages do die for lack of sex.

Sometimes that leads to infidelity, sometimes to divorce, and too often to a grim stalemate that is a bad imitation of what marriage can and should be, rather like being members of a two person prison chain-gang — something for each partner to think about before the flame of mutual attraction goes out.

The above image is Lovers by Jacob van Loo, a seventeenth century Dutch painter. Sourced from Wikimedia Commons.