On the Need for Reassurance: What Do You Do After Therapy?


When we go to the doctor our expectation is to receive a cure: something to finish off the illness. We might expect a similar result from a therapist. He will apply the magic ointment to make our hurt go away. Typically, however, we are not offered a fix with a lifetime guarantee, but guidance in developing a method — a way of living “differently:” a “practice” designed to enable a more satisfying and manageable life.

Perhaps our desire for someone to “make it better” goes back to childhood. Indeed, depending on people is, for many, an endless and desperate project. We look for them to put things right, whether to captain our team, lead our country, or reassure us everything will be OK. Unfortunately, however, there are no magicians, only experts. They cannot be with us forever and, even if they could, our excess dependence would transform them into the human equivalent of a security blanket.

If life is to be lived with adequate confidence we need a method to practice regularly, not another human as our permanent rabbit’s foot or talisman. Not a replacement for an inadequate parent. Not excess dependency, but self-reliance coming from the development of a new “groove:” a repeatedly rehearsed approach to the challenges particular to our life.

How can we carve out such a path?

This is a big question. Usually, however, other questions take precedence. Will I wear out my therapist? Will he leave me? Will he ever say he cares about me in a convincing way?

The unstated belief is that the mental health professional is essential for my well-being; and the hope he will be there as long as I need him. In effect, he possesses the magic, I don’t. You hear this in the lament of the lonely, as well: I cannot do this by myself and my life can only be better when I find “the one.”

Therapists, at least with most of their clients, recognize they need to be transitional objects. A portion of what they do is to enable the patient to develop a method of living designed to make him (the doctor) unnecessary. Put differently, the client learns to master his problems most of the time.

Many patients resist the notion to the point of hoping to become the friend (or lover) of the counselor after treatment ends. Just as we look to our aged parents for wisdom or reassurance, we want not only the therapist’s attachment, approval, and security, but his guidance, as if he can never be replaced, least of all by relying on ourselves.

The idea of “a practice” is not always mentioned by counselors. Oh, the clinician will assign homework, but he might never say homework must continue when treatment ends. Leaving the therapist’s office upon termination is not enough. Rather, the client must continue to do work on himself, climb even higher, take on different versions of the same challenges, and bounce back when thrown to the floor. He needs to remind himself of his strengths, his successes, and what he must do now. This is a practice: “repeated exercise in or performance of an activity or skill so as to acquire or maintain proficiency in it,” according to the Google online dictionary.


Your program might involve regular, organized self-reflection; journaling, mindfulness enhancement, recitation of those people and things for which you are grateful, time set aside to challenge negative self-talk, a plan for increasing your compassion, writing down all those difficult moments you’ve overcome; and a step-wise, graduated list of challenges you want to take on and a chart of your progress.

You may already engage in other such practices. Daily meditation would be one. Daily reading of passages from a religious text is another. Professional athletes and body builders maintain a regular workout routine, even in the off-season. The goal is to solidify your thought and action, create a habit, improve your focus, rely on yourself, and beat back whatever might encroach on past gains.

One of the best examples of this idea is found in Plato’s Phaedo, the story of Socrates’s last day. Knowing that he will shortly drink hemlock to fulfill the state’s death sentence, it is perhaps unsurprising that Socrates speaks with two younger philosophers (Simmias and Cebes) on the subject of mortality and whether an afterlife for the soul can be foreseen. Despite his attempt at philosophical “proofs” of the likely existence of an eternity, they acknowledge the extent to which they (and we) are like children in search of a magician for reassurance. They despair that once Socrates is gone, no such person will be able to provide his kind of logical, well-reasoned, persuasive confidence in the possibility of a life after death.

Socrates gives Cebes the following advice, as applicable to therapy as to facing one’s mortality in a philosophical way, in both cases to dispatch fear:

What you should do, said Socrates, is to say a magic spell over him (the scared child in each of us) every day until you have charmed his fears away.

Cebes persists, believing only Socrates, soon to be dead, has the necessary sorcery.

Greece is a large country, Cebes, he replied, which must have good men in it, and there are many foreign races too. You must ransack all of them in your search for this magician, without sparing money or trouble, because you could not spend your money more opportunely on any other object. And you must search also by your own united efforts, because it is probable that you would not easily find anyone better fitted for the task.

Thus, Socrates has advised these well-trained philosophers to repeat their own magic spell over the child within them: to seek the wizard in themselves to calm their anxieties by way of what he has taught them and whatever further ideas they can reason out on their own. In effect, to develop a practice maintaining or enhancing proficiency in dealing with this challenge of life.

The proper approach for the therapy patient might be said to take whatever he has learned in treatment and make it a practice. Yes, this is lots of work, but what is the alternative? Life will not hesitate to provide you with more challenges. We stop growing at our own peril, just as the athlete risks getting out of shape by abandoning his practice routine. Concern for your psyche is not like a diet, to be ignored and replaced with poor nutritional habits once the target weight is achieved.

Whether you maintain a practice or not, your counselor will still be there in most cases. But don’t you think you would be more secure by taking your life in your own hands once he passes the baton?

Your therapist does.

The top sculpture is The Thinker by Auguste Rodin, sourced from Hiart at Wikimedia Commons. The second photo is of Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Feller.

6 thoughts on “On the Need for Reassurance: What Do You Do After Therapy?

  1. Dr. Stein,
    There was much wisdom, eloquently stated, in this post and in a very timely manner for me. It’s been six months since I stopped going regularly to therapy (I did one check in session a month or so ago) and I have been strangely adrift lately. And of course, my thoughts turned to “maybe I need to go back” even though our check in session made it abundantly clear I do not need to (a little scary to realize that!). This post was a clear reminder of how I need to handle this. Thanks so much, your gentle exhortations are so valuable. ~ AG

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well timed for me too and resonates so much….therapy is really tough -again- at the moment. Since coming back from the Easter break and having done well during it, we are fighting a battle with the ‘child within’ who feels sidelined unheard and undesirable and is putting up all the defenses against being repeatedly hurt. The quest, as for those philosophers, is to find a different way to attend to that child, but in the meantime every direct question deflected and attempt at reassurance seeking not met, or any focus not directly on her, brings pain and anger….I feel further forward than this time last year in that then I couldn’t understand why those ‘simple’ needs just couldn’t be met. Now I know I need to find a different way of viewing those needs and attending to that child but I just don’t know how yet.
    On dependence….I remember a while ago worrying my therapist would think I was too clingy and dependent. She said there is a difference between attachment and dependence and that I needed to be able to depend, first, before becoming less dependent. ………as in the past I have a tendency to try and do things on my own and if there’s something I need to try and work out my instinct is to push away while I figure out rather than draw in and lean on someone. I still need to properly learn how to work with someone on these hardest of things and to trust and depend in a good way…
    Thank you for another wonderful and helpful post….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your are welcome. I’m glad you pointed out the distinction between an initial state of dependence in therapy and something perpetual. Glad to hear, too, how you take the challenges of therapy and growth from them.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for another excellent article, Dr. Stein.
    “But don’t you think you would be more secure by taking your life in your own hands once he passes the baton?”
    ~ This is a question we all must make when the time comes to leave the home and security (presuming such conditions exist) of our parents or guardians. We have to take responsibility for our lives. And as you put so well, we achieve this by putting into practice all the guidance given, all the lessons learned. Having confidence in our ability to survive on our own comes with lots of knocks and bruises.


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