How should a man admire a woman with his gaze? When do you look, where do you look, how long do you look, at whom do you look? Should you look at all? I have done an unscientific survey by asking advice of several women. They ranged in age from the late 20s to the upper 60s.
The question: “What do you expect a man to do with his eyes when you wear revealing clothing?”
I received unanimous though not precise guidelines. Should your opinion differ, I’d be interested. Here goes:
1. You are expected to look. The gaze of a man is welcome. It affirms one’s attractiveness.
2. You are not supposed to stare. You are not supposed to drool. You are not supposed to exclaim, proclaim, yell, scream, holler or whistle. A personal disclosure: my father almost always was demonstrative as we watched the Miss America competition. This had a pronounced and deforming impact on my little psyche! As an especially curvaceous contestant sashayed across the stage in her swimsuit, dad would blurt out, “Holy Criminy, hung to the gills!” in a half-humorous hoot that never occurred at any other time. I gathered he wasn’t referring to fishing.
You don’t hear that reference to a woman’s bosom these days. Perhaps dad invented the comment, as he was an avid angler. On the street or in a crowd, however, I never saw my father even look at another woman. He was crazy about my mom.
3. In the company of a lady, no matter your relationship with her, you should not admire other women. Verboten is a twist of the neck or movement of the eyes unless required to avoid oncoming traffic. This rule applies whether you are with your mother, grandmother, significant other, aunt, cousin, sister, daughter, professor, boss, co-worker, senator, or any other female.
4. A psychologically mature woman dresses fashionably. She intends that which is revealed as an enticement, not a spectacle. She wants appreciation, not a proposition.
A few thoughts connected to the title question before I list more guidelines. I offer these considerations so you recognize with whom you are dealing. Think again about the early deformation of my personality as you read this!
In the home of my childhood, only occasional allusions were made to things suggestive of throbbing physical attraction.
Fifth grade brought my eyes in contact with a girl’s legs. Figuratively speaking. One girl in particular. “What is this about?” I asked myself. I found it illogical. Those female underpinnings no longer seemed a simple necessity designed to maintain locomotion and height. The newly acquired attention to a distaff body part was involuntary, not to say alarming. This was the first sign my body was taking possession of my brain. Adult women understand this masculine flaw, but as a kid I had no idea.
The point here is that men have an innate predilection to “look.” Women do it as well, if perhaps less obviously. Nonetheless, revealing display is done with the knowledge of men’s tendencies and how to manage them.
A young man’s attempt at sexual subtlety is undermined (the key focus here being “under”) by the involuntary arousal of a certain body part that makes his interest obvious. There are, however, alternative uses of the same anatomical attachment. An 18-year-old male probably could raise a tent if he lay on his back, hands behind his head, while occupied with salacious thoughts. Alternatively, he might substitute for the English Pointer, a dog breed used in bird hunting. British slang, in fact, refers to young women as birds. The hunt for a mate, the pointy thing … well, you get the idea.
None of this suggests leering is proper or excusable. The mating game, however, does need two players.
Back to guidance, particularly on a date:
5. Do not fondle your smartphone or find its ravishing screen irresistible. No self-respecting woman wishes to compete with inanimate objects.
6. Do gaze into your date’s eyes. This tells her you are paying attention to her speech and her person, not just her equipment. She knows you know there is more to see lower down, but the two of you have an unspoken agreement, at least at first, to pretend otherwise. Besides, the eyes tell you much, including whether life resides inside — a brain, a sparkle, a twinkle, a heart, a laugh, and someone you can love. She will tell as much about you — and in just the same way.
7. Another unspoken truth has to do with whether, when not in this woman’s presence, you spend any amount of time looking at other beauties. Of course you do! Your heart is beating, isn’t it? Never, however, should a wandering eye be admitted, lest you want one blackened. As the very old song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You.”
8. Time changes both form and physiognomy, but your mind’s eye will recall the youthful bloom of your lover. Be hungry in love, first to last. Once out of the public square and past the “first dance,” devour your lover with your eyes. All of her. Beauty is fleeting. She was made to be seen and remembered.
The photo is an untitled creative wallpaper design from http://www.zastavki.com/ The video segment of the 1934 film, Dames, is quite remarkable for the elaborately choreographed scene above, characteristic of the work of Busby Berkeley. The song, I Only Have Eyes for You, was written for this movie by Harry Warren and Al Dubin. The couple in love are Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.