Father’s Day can be complicated.
Like any day of honor, some tributes are deserved more than others, or not at all.
Some obligations are carried out with joy, while others are a matter of dutiful routine.
And sometimes there is pain, where once there was (or should have been) pleasure.
But, for myself, Father’s Day is pretty simple.
While I miss my dad (who died 11 years ago), the sense of loss is no longer great. He was 88 when he stroked-out in July 2000, soon to be followed by my mother in February 2001, and our family dog in November 2001: a tough 16 months.
The experience taught me what Hamlet’s uncle Claudius knew when he said to his wife (Hamlet’s mother), “O Gertrude, Gertrude, when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.”
“When will dad be OK again?” my children asked my own wife. It took a little while, but eventually time and the loving support of family and friends did the job of healing.
But being healed isn’t the same as being indifferent and, as I said earlier, I still miss my father.
If you saw the movie “Peggy Sue Got Married” with Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage, think back to the scene of her time-travel from middle age to age 16; specifically, to the moment when she talked to her deceased grandmother on the phone, now suddenly back to life.
I’d give a lot to have a moment like that with my dad.
My father was a good story-teller. One of his favorites was about his time as a star Chicago Cubs pitcher.
He wasn’t, of course.
Somehow, all the records of his “career” in the major leagues had been “lost,” or so he told us. He also informed me and my brothers that he’d been able to pitch nearly every day, and was so reliable and dependable that his teammates called him “Rain or Shine” Milt Stein (able to pitch, “rain or shine”). We all came to value this funny tale and, in fact, had my wife and I had a male child, the boy’s middle name would have been “Rainer,” as in “rain or shine,” in honor of the newborn’s grandfather.
Another story he told frequently was based in fact rather than imagination.
Twenty year old Milt Stein had a tough time in 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. He could find little steady work, though he had enough to eat thanks to living with his parents. Finally, he landed a full-time job at the opening of the 1933 Chicago World’s Fair. His boss told him that he could work every day if he wished (although he didn’t have to), but work and money were so dear that he did — 170 consecutive days from May 27th into November.
It was a few years after my dad died when I first realized that these two stories were actually different ways of telling the same morality tale: my dad was “Rain or Shine” Milt Stein, reliable and hard-working, both on the imaginary playing field of his “major league” career and at the World’s Fair performing a real job.
I don’t even know if my father was aware of the connection between these stories.
Dad was an intelligent, but uncomplicated man. If he had lived in a more prosperous time he’d certainly have graduated college. But, as things turned out he worked as a postal supervisor, raised three boys, and was married to the same woman for almost 60 years.
When I was very little, my father played a game of make-believe with me. In those days before everyone had some sort of recording device, he used our floor model vacuum cleaner extension as a pretend microphone for a radio show he fashioned out of his imagination. We would take turns speaking into the nozzle as he interviewed me.
I guess my career in interviewing people goes pretty far back.
I owe my love of baseball, a sense of fair play, and a strong work ethic to my father; and the fact that years later, each night at bedtime, I would reach into my own imagination as he did with me during our “radio show,” to tell my young daughters a story; a different one nearly every night, especially with my first-born.
Dad was not a perfect man or a perfect father. His three sons all saw too little of him because of his dedication to work and the shadow of the Great Depression on his view of matters financial. He deferred to my mother too much for our well-being.
But it is Father’s Day, not the day to get into his shortcomings.
In 1985 Milton Stein’s youngest brother, my Uncle Harry, died suddenly. I’d not been very close to my uncle, so that loss didn’t much affect me except for the fact that it made my dad’s mortality palpable to me: if Harry, my father’s youngest brother could die, then surely my father would, possibly soon. The family history of heart disease had killed Harry, and my dad had narrowly escaped alive from his own heart attack at age 47, over 25 years before.
In the wake of Harry’s death, I asked my “old man” (now genuinely old) if he’d be open to doing a videotaped history of his life, with me as the interviewer — the “radio show” with the roles reversed. He complied readily.
I still have the four hours of video that my father and I created together. Much of it is filled with the detail of his life, but at a few points my normally controlled dad let down his guard.
Most moving of all was his recollection of returning to the USA from WWII service in Europe. He hadn’t seen my mom for about two years. He called her as soon as he was situated on American soil.
As I’ve detailed elsewhere (Love Letters), the catch in Milton Stein’s voice and the tears in his eyes as he recalled hearing the woman he ached for — the love of his life — would have been unforgettable even without the video evidence.
I’m sure that you can tell I have a soft spot for my dad.
And, lucky me, I have two wonderful daughters who will make me feel like the most important person in the world on Father’s Day.
But, I’m even luckier than that.
They make me feel like it is Father’s Day every day.
The photos above are all of my father, with the obvious exception of the vacuum cleaner, made available from the Open Clip Art Library; and the poster from the 1933 Chicago World’s Fair, created by Weimer Pursell, silkscreen print by Neely Printing Co., Chicago; both sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
The first picture of my dad is probably from some time in the early to mid-1930s. The second photo looks as though he was a teenager when it was taken.
The night time snap-shot probably took my dad by surprise while he was on a date, before he met his wife-to-be (my mother). It was likely shot by a street photographer, who would have handed my father a numbered envelope that identified the negative. Dad would have had to mail the envelope to the company with payment in order to get developed copies of the picture.
I recall seeing such photographers in downtown Chicago at least as late as the 1960s. Now, of course, just about everyone carries his own camera/phone.
The final image is of the young Stein family in late 1959: my mom and dad and, left to right, Jack, myself, and Eddie.
The last photo of the entire family reminds me of a song that is played when Michael Jordan (Chicago Bulls basketball star) is thought of. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY. I am referring of course to myself in that photo and believe me, with those ears I could fly!
Keep flying, Jack!
I honor my father by not observing Father’s Day, a holiday he rejected. He felt that such holidays, Mother’s Day included, were “invented by the hucksters to sell more stuff.” Given the deluge of e-mails I’m getting offering “great gifts for Dad,” I can see his point. Having grown up in a poor immigrant family and come of age during the Depression, he was pretty tight-fisted, but he could also be very generous. Once on his own birthday, he brought home gifts for all the other members of the family. I still remember that he gave me a copy of “David Copperfield” on that day, more than half a century ago. He was a difficult man in some ways, but in most ways an admirable one. An ardent progressive, he was firmly committed to racial equality long before that became widely accepted. He stood up for his beliefs and suffered consequences as a result. He was incredibly versatile. A polymer chemist, he was also skilled in carpentry, painting, plumbing, electrical work, bricklaying and other skills needed to keep a house functioning. If something needed to be done, he would learn how to do it and do it well. I owe most of my values to him and to my mother.
Your dad sounds like quite a singular man. Thanks, Dan.
Wonderful family history! I thought of my deceased parents, both of whom went from being so physically strong and vital to hollow shells in nursing home beds and this helped me remember more of the strong than the horrible ends. That felt so good!! My parents, both deceased, gave me valuable gifts; a sense of morality and the courage to follow it through, the grit to do the right thing for my students even when faced by superiors who were wrong, the strength to be independent in thought and action and the ability to believe in my own talents and a respect for the talents of others. I had great, generous and strict parents and this so reminded me of all the good times. Thanks for the loving memories!!
You are welcome. Many thanks, Sherry.
One more thought, Sherry. You might enjoy the essay I wrote on the “Love Letters” that my dad wrote to my mother from Europe during WWII. There is a link to that post within the “Father’s Day” post.
Very poignant! I think of my dad every day. It usually brings great joy. He and my mother firmly believed you could accomplish anything, if you wanted it enough. He loved to socialize, but few knew of the extraordinary experiences and life he had lived. He was just good old Joe married for 66 years to the love of his life. Thank you for sharing and bringing wonderful memories into my day.
Thank you for your kind words, Janette. I’m very glad that you enjoyed it.
By the way, Janette, you might want to look at “Love Letters.” You can find a link to this within the “Father’s Day” post or in the “Blog Roll” on the side of my blog’s home page. Thanks!
4 hours of video…..what everyone would give to have such a thing. That was a great idea to do and what a treasure it turns out to be. Thanks for the fine article.
Happy Fathers day to all!
Thank you, David. Best to you and Kelly. Enjoy your Father’s Day, as well.
Thank you for sharing you truly wonderful past as a happy & lucky little lad. It made me cry to read how special your father was to you. You are so privileged to have had such a caring & fun dad & a heart felt longing for home. I envy you.
Thank you, Joanna. Yes, he was special and, as I look back, freer of the prejudice of the time than most men. He was a straight-shooter, as the saying goes. I do feel lucky in having been his son.