What Would You Give For Your Heart’s Desire?

What is precious to you? What do you want to get or to see or to do? What would you give for love, glory, money, or time?

Anything? Well, here is a little game to play. It won’t take long. Or, I should say, it will take no longer than you want it to.

What would you give for any item on this list? The form of payment is, in most cases, up to you. Perhaps you would beg or borrow or steal to get your heart’s desire. But the “payment” must be equal to the value that you assign to the thing you want.

Choose wisely!

1. A ticket in the best possible location for your favorite team’s championship game.
2. Being able to relive the best day of your life.
3. A cure for cancer available to the whole world.
4. A day in the body of the person you’d most like to be, with all the abilities of that person.
5. One less year in your life with the guarantee that you would be the wealthiest individual on earth for all the remaining years.
6. To be sexual irresistible to those you most desire.
7. A change in the one physical feature you like least about yourself.
8. World peace.
9. The health of those you love.
10. The love of the person from whom you most wish it, whether it be a romantic partner or a parent or a sibling or a child.
11. Contentment. That is, perfect acceptance of whatever is your situation in life.
12. Freedom from your conscience.
13. A definitive answer as to whether heaven exists and what it consists of, if it does exist.
14. Immortality (in this life) in a body that would never age beyond the age you wish.
15. A chance to do one thing over — go back to that moment with all you now know and try again.
16. The infallible insight as to whether people are telling the truth; to see through every deception, no matter how big or small.
17. The ability to do one thing you can’t do any more.
18. The gift of living in the moment.
19. Fame.
20. The ability to remember every second of every day of your life.
21. The capacity to forget anything that you wish to set aside in your past.
22. The talent to produce at least one masterpiece of art, music, or literature.
23. Great recognition during your lifetime that will not endure after it ends; or recognition that will come only posthumously.
24. To be the best possible parent.
25. To have a job that you can’t wait to get to each morning; one that produces complete fulfillment in doing the work itself, not because of what you produce or the compensation or recognition you receive for it.
26. To be the author of a great scientific discovery.
27. A life that allows you to see all of the most beautiful places in the world.
28. The gift of being a great teacher.
29. Loyal and loving friends.
30. A partner who provides you with the most sexually satisfying times imaginable for as long as you both live.
31. The experience of living in a drug induced state of fantasy, such that you would have the imaginary experience of anything your mind could envision, even though none of it would be real.
32. The knowledge, in the last possible moment of your life, that you have followed the path suggested in Micah 6:8: “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

As you might have noticed, some of these things may actually be available to you at no cost; other than effort and, perhaps, a bit of luck. But, many of them are mutually exclusive, as you’ve probably also observed: you can’t have them all.

Life is a little like a birthday card I’ve seen. On the front it shows a picture of a beautiful woman:

And then, a picture of a birthday cake. It reads something like this: “This is Edith and this is your cake. You have to choose one, because…”

“You can’t have your cake and Edith, too!”

—

The top painting is a detail from The Kiss by Gustav Klimt. The second image represents a Tough Choice; the third is a photo called Birthday Cake by Francesca Cesa Bianchi, Milan, 2002. The last of these was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

When Friendships Go Bad and How to Fix Them

Smooth sailing is always a temporary thing, even in friendship. However great is the joy of being with your best friend, there will come a time when things are not perfect. Your interests and his interests will almost inevitably collide; one will do something that disappoints the other.

I’ll begin by giving you some examples of the kinds of issues that make the water choppy. Then, I’ll point out a possible way back to a place of less turbulence and make some suggestions about how you might navigate there. Even if things do get stormy, surviving the torrent can sometimes strengthen the relationship.

THE PROBLEMS:

• Sometimes you think of your relationship to your friend differently than he thinks of it. He may consider you simply a business associate, while you think he is someone closer and more important than that. This is rather like having a romance with someone who simply enjoys sex with you, but isn’t in love with you, even though you are in love with him. Once you figure this out, you will be disappointed.
• The world is a busy place. Your friend probably has other friends and competing obligations. His spouse and children are likely to come first. You might get miffed, even jealous. As the old song goes, “Wedding Bells are Breaking Up That Old Gang of Mine.”
• You can love your friend but dislike his new girlfriend or new wife. Even a new platonic friend of yours or his might complicate the ease of getting along.
• Politics and religion are tricky. It is likely that you will be attracted to people who are like-minded on both of those characteristics. But, if one of you changes or tries to change, convert, or persuade the other too strenuously, God help you (pun intended)! I have a friend who has long found himself in the political and religious minority in the particular part of the country where he resides. He makes his way through the relationship thicket by keeping both his politics and his religion out of conversations with his long-time buddies. It works because his comrades have, at least tacitly, accepted this. And because he is satisfied to have relationships with these limitations.
• Both you and your friend will change over time. You might enjoy playing and watching baseball less, he might enjoy it more. You might become more judgmental, he might become more accepting. For the friendship to survive comfortably, the changes will have to be compatible.
• You friend may well turn out to be a less moral and upstanding person than you thought he was. Sometimes this isn’t really a change, but rather a growing awareness as you get to know him better. In any case, this could make you uncomfortable. Some people try to look for the best and look away from a friend’s moral failures. But, the most egregious of those flaws are not easily ignored, especially if it eventually turns out that it is not only someone else’s ox that your friend gores, but your own.

Before I go on with the problem list, let me tell you a story. The two men had been friends from age 14. That relationship had survived distance, when one of them moved 1000 miles away. It had survived time, about 13 years, not a lucky number as it turned out. Perhaps the back-breaking issue had to do with the wedding of one of them, which found the other being asked to be “best man,” only later demoted to a less distinguished position in the wedding party without an explanation that satisfied him.

There were other things, of course, and the fall-out from all of them left both parties unhappy, hurt, and aggravated. It took 10 years before they got back together.

One might say that the relationship never really ended even though it was suspended. Both missed the other. Indeed, it is said that it is hard to really hate someone you haven’t first loved. Hatred would be too strong a word for the animosity each one felt, but despite strong resentment, somehow each still valued qualities in the other that he discovered were irreplaceable: one person’s emotional generosity, the other’s serious approach to life; their shared memories, stimulating intellect, kindred spirits, and mutual interests.

The time away allowed them both to grow up, to understand more about the other’s grievances, to see themselves and their own errors more clearly, and to realize that the other was a kind of “second self:” someone who made life better and without whom (whatever his shortcomings) life would be worse. Their friendship restarted and was stronger for the pain that each of them suffered. More on how they reconciled in the section on solutions (below).

Back to the problems that can cause friendships to go bad:

• Sometimes a change in life circumstances can create a stress on your relationship to your buddy. One of you might become fabulously successful and wealthy. Or perhaps, one of you has a number of reverses in life. We are all “hostages to fortune,” as Sir Francis Bacon said long ago. If your friend is having a tough time, your support is important. But, if his misery continues for years, the therapeutic slant to your new relationship might burden you and change the emotional tone of your time together; that is, change part of what initially brought you close. However much it would be honorable to continue to provide support, there are few friendships that would not be stressed and complicated by anything approaching this kind of relatively permanent alteration.
• Friendships can be damaged when the two parties discover they are in competition with each other, whether for a woman, for a job, or for a trophy.
• If you or your friend relocate or leave the place of employment at which you both work, the other may feel betrayed or abandoned. Yes, I know this isn’t “rational.” But feelings rarely are that.
• Continuing on the subject of betrayal, a common source of friendship difficulties occurs when something told to the other “in confidence” gets leaked. Frequently there is a misunderstanding as to whether something is confidential or not. Other kinds of betrayals can happen, as well, particularly when a friend doesn’t stand up for you or takes the other side in a dispute.
• Finally, friendships can sunder when one party feels that there is insufficient balance or reciprocity in the relationship. If friend #1 is always initiating the calling, texting, organizing of get-togethers, driving, giving the gifts, and picking up the dinner checks, the strain of imbalance and inequity can break the relationship. Similarly, friend #1 might come to feel “used;” that is, of value to friend #2 only when needed to do something, not for the sake of shared companionship.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS (NO GUARANTEES):

WHAT NOT TO DO:

• Take a deep breath. Do not — I repeat — do not make an irate phone call in response to the offense. Indeed, the more you feel that you must react immediately, the more likely that you should wait until a time when you’ve cooled down a bit.
• Consider other reasons for what your friend did or didn’t do. Don’t immediately assume the worst. There are, at least sometimes, perfectly acceptable explanations.
• If your friend is with a woman you can’t stand, there isn’t an easy remedy. But, whatever you do, don’t go to your friend and start to criticize the woman he loves! You are in a weak position. If he has to make a choice between the two of you, he will almost certainly choose the person with whom he is having sex and having babies. You may have to accept the circumstances as they are. You might have to work hard to find something in her to like and do your best to make friends with her, especially if she is jealous of your relationship to your buddy. You might have to limit your time with the two of them together, and spend more time with your friend alone. Unfortunately, it is possible that she will try to prevent that.
• Don’t try to solve this by writing, if at all possible. Absolutely don’t handle it via text messages. There are a thousand ways that your missive can be misunderstood, since it lacks tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions to help the other person understand you. In a world of immediate and impulsive full disclosure, there remain some things that must be done slowly and carefully. Find the time to have a face-to-face conversation that is long enough to settle things down. But even before that, consider the other items I’ve listed below.
• Remember that you can’t make your friend love you, but you can make him dislike you. Don’t turn yourself into a scold: someone who complains harshly and regularly. No one wants to be around such a person.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT:

• Now that your heart rate has slowed down a little, think about the history of your relationship to your friend. What attracted you initially? How has your friend shown you kindness or generosity? What would your life be without him? When did things start to go wrong? What have you done to make it better? What have you done that made it worse?
• The list of solutions must begin with self-examination. We almost all see the other’s flaws more acutely than our own; and weigh our pain more heavily than that of anyone else, at least compared to the other party in a grievance.
• Who is your buddy, anyway? What motivates him? Is he a good person, or perhaps have you misunderstood who you have been dealing with? Is he even aware of your hurt feelings? Have you expected him to read your mind? Even therapists are poor at that. It is possible that he doesn’t know the extent of your unhappiness, hurt, and/or anger.
• How important is your friend is to you? Would you miss him if you dumped him? Would he be easily replaced? Are there still significant qualities that you like about him? In the example I gave above, the friends in question both realized that they didn’t want to be without each other, even if it took 10 years to figure out!
• As you reflect on who your friend really is, ask yourself if the changes you’d like are possible. If you’ve been through some version of the same problem with this guy numerous times, it might be that the two of you should part ways. Either you will have to change or he will; or both of you will. Don’t discount those possibilities, but don’t ignore your experience and hope for a miracle, especially if your “friendship” is a regular source of unhappiness.
• You are going to have to accept some things you’d rather not. No two people are perfectly compatible. If you want perfection in your comrades, expect to lead a very lonely life.
• Do some major soul-searching. To what extent might you have contributed to the problem? Do you expect too much from people? Are you assertive enough to set limits, or do you let others walk over you and disappoint you until you finally explode, break down, or summarily end relationships? Is there a repeating pattern of relationship problems in your own life? What part of the current dilemma has your name on it? What do you need to change about yourself?

WHAT TO DO:

• Write down what you’ve learned through your analysis of yourself, your friend, and the situation.
• At some point in the process of reflection, write a letter to your friend that you don’t ever mail or email. It can help you get perspective and externalize or neutralize some of the intensity you are feeling.
• Whatever the friendship problem is, talk to someone about it. Get an opinion and perhaps advice from a person you trust. Look for a confidant who is wise, but is willing to tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.
• If your analysis of the situation determines that your friend is actually a scoundrel, then writing him off, however painful, is probably necessary. But remember, most people aren’t that bad.
• If you are to save the relationship, you are going to have to talk with each other, if at all possible, face-to-face (but, again, be hesitant to criticize his spouse). Remember to use “I” statements, as in “This is how I felt when you said X” rather than, “Look at what you did, you SOB!” Be calm. Remind the friend of what he means to you and the parts of him that you admire and appreciate. Figure out beforehand what you will need from him to put things right and be sure this is part of the discussion.
• Apologize for your part. The two friends I mentioned earlier both accepted responsibility for the things that caused the 10-year break. Both vowed to be more direct so that resentments didn’t fester. Both saw the hurt in the other and the value in the other. Each one felt genuinely sorry for the injury he had inflicted on the friend. Both let go of the past and went forward. Not every last detail was discussed and resolved. They didn’t have to be. To put it simply, love triumphed.

How do I know all that? I’m one of the two people.

That is what you call a happy ending.

—

For a discussion of the real meaning of friendship, this may be of interest: A Friendly Discourse on Friendship.

A Friendly Discourse on Friendship

Facebook has changed everything. “Friend” used to be a noun, but now is also used as a verb, as in “to friend” someone on Facebook.

This change raises the question of how “friend” is defined and what a real friend is, now that the definition has been widened. Joseph Epstein gives us a good start in his wonderful book Friendship: An Expose:

Friendship is affection, variously based on common interests, a common past, common values, and, alas, sometimes common enemies, in each case leading to delight and contentment in one another’s company.

What else should we add? It is probably not possible to have very many really close friends, because friendship takes some time and effort, thus excluding the possibility of — say — 100 close friends. Indeed, the philosopher Plutarch thought seven was the correct number. And Aristotle believed that it would be hard to find enough really good people worthy of closeness, thus limiting the number of excellent friendships one could have even further.

Here are a few of the qualities we might find in friendship, as derived from the likes of Epstein, Aristotle (in his Nichomachean Ethics), and yours truly. As you read them, ask yourself whether these characteristics are present in the friendships you enjoy:

• Friends are constant. They aren’t interchangeable. We like to think of friends as people who will be our friends for quite some time, if not forever.
• You can be yourself around your friend. You don’t have to put on a show or try to win approval. If the two of you are good friends, then there is a significant amount of acceptance and a lack of pretense.
• A best friend is like a brother or a sister; perhaps even closer. Almost like “another self,” according to Aristotle.
• You share interests with friends. You have a compatible sense of humor and view of the world. If you don’t, that may put your friendship at risk.
• Friendships are more easily maintained when you and your friend have relatively equal status and prosperity. Major differences in these areas can strain the relationship.
• The best friendships involve people who can be open with each other (although this is not required at every moment). There is understanding between the two parties.
• Friendship usually necessitates some regularity of seeing and/or communicating with one another, although electronic means of contact have certainly changed any face-to-face requirement, especially for old friends.
• Over time, a history of shared memories will deepen the friendship.

Before I get to some other qualities that are typically present in close friendships, let’s turn to Aristotle, who said that there are three different categories in the friendship department. Again, you might want to try to sort your friends into these:

1. Friendship based on usefulness. Think of those people to whom you are friendly because of what they can do for you. Many business relationships fit this category.
2. Friendship based on pleasure. This classification would include individuals with whom you keep company because they are fun to be with; or perhaps for the sexual thrill provided by your interaction with them. But, as with the first category, when the benefit ends, so does the friendship. It is one-dimensional.
3. Friendship based on excellence or virtue. Aristotle considers this the highest form of friendship. It is between two people who are good and who both wish all that is best for each other. It is therefore different from the purely self-interested categories above. This type of companionship will include the qualities of usefulness and pleasure that are present in those two types of pairings, but lasts as long as the parties are good, not being entirely dependent on the other’s utility or entertainment value. Considerable time spent together is usually required to create such relationships. Each person first has to have enough experience of the other to trust that person.

Here are some additional qualities commonly found in the best friendships:

• Friends provide consolation in times of trouble and take joy in the good fortune of the other.
• Friendships are more easily created when there is time alone with the other person. It is harder to achieve any significant level of intimacy in groups; or, when you have time with the potential friend only in the presence of his spouse (or girlfriend) as well as your own mate. Individuals in groups tend to keep the talk “small,” light, and unrevealing.
• Epstein again: “One might begin by saying that one’s friends must be honorable, fair, decent, good-humored, generous, and kind.” Sounds like Aristotle’s highest form of this category, doesn’t it?
• Friendships are never ideal, but Aristotle suggests that when your friend is going off the righteous path, it is your job (as his friend) to try to set him straight. Only if time proves that he has gone permanently wrong should you abandon him.
• As you and your friend age, both of you will change. In order to maintain the relationship at the same level of importance and closeness, the alterations that occur in each of you will have to be compatible.
• Cicero, another ancient philosopher, suggested that none of us is probably as good a friend as the kind of person we are looking to have as a friend. Tolerance and acceptance of imperfection is required in any such pairing.
• Reciprocity is a key to a well-functioning companionship. If one person is always initiating the calling, texting, organizing of get-togethers, driving, giving the gifts, and picking up the dinner checks, the strain of imbalance and inequity can break the relationship.
• Friends should be reliable and dependable. They shouldn’t forget their promises and the meetings they’ve scheduled with you. They won’t blow you off when a better offer comes along, at least not with regularity.

Aristotle devoted approximately 20% of the Nichomachean Ethics to the issue of friendship, showing just how important he thought it was to achieving a good and satisfying life. Clearly, he wasn’t talking about Facebook friends, who probably would have been called “acquaintances” in the old days.

Psychologists tell us that friendship is essential to life satisfaction, especially as one ages. Moreover, friendship is often thought to be more productive of happiness than even one’s contact with a spouse or children. Clearly, it is a part of life that should not be ignored.

Tired of me quoting great philosophers and writers? Here is a last word on friendship from an unlikely source: a boxer. But it is as wise a comment as any from the ancient Greeks:

“Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But, if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you haven’t learned anything.” (Muhammad Ali).

—

When the Humpty-Dumpty of friendship has a great fall, here is a better remedy than “all the king’s men:” When Friendships Go Bad and How to Fix Them.

The R.S.V.P Puzzle

In the ancient world (or perhaps I should say, in the 1960s) everyone knew what R.S.V.P. meant. Today, not so much. Oh, people do think they know. But, you can be dead sure and dead wrong.

Consider today’s essay a short lesson in good taste and good manners. It might make people like you more.

An example will illustrate the point. I had the occasion to invite several people to a dinner for an organization with which I am involved. It is a not-for-profit corporation. These particular invitees had been helpful to the enterprise, but we didn’t know all of them well. The invitations requested them to R.S.V.P. It was clear that the dinner would be free to each one, a material way to thank them for their good-will and assistance.

Fourteen of these invitations were sent, but only three responses were received as the date approached. About two weeks before the event emails were sent with a second request to R.S.V.P. This brought additional answers to the question of whether we should expect their attendance or not.

Out of the blue came two emails from people who had not been invited, telling us that they would be coming. Whoa! How did this happen?

It turned out that these were associates of two of the real invitees. The newcomers were individuals whom we had never met and had not been involved with our not-for-profit corporation. They’d been given the invitations and encouraged to attend our event. Indeed, they were temporary employees in those organizations that had been helpful to us.

This put us in the awkward position of having to tell these people that they had not been invited (as they already knew); and, since we are a charity, to inform them that we had a limited capacity to provide complimentary dinners that would diminish the funds available for our philanthropic efforts.

The attempt to pass along our invitation reminded me of a practice that has occurred in wartime. During the Civil War, for example, you could get out of serving as a soldier if you could find someone willing to substitute for you. Still, this was hardly the Civil War, but a simple dinner invitation done in gratitude for the help provided to us. No bullets would be flying.

So what happened? Why did we receive responses from less than 2/3 of those to whom we wished to show some kindness and gratitude? And why did two of those people think it would be appropriate to pass along our invitation to others we did not know without asking us if this was permissible?

First, I don’t think anyone intentionally wanted to be rude. These are all good and decent folks. They do good work at their places of employment. They had no motive to be disrespectful and I’m sure had no intention of being thoughtless.

What other explanation might then account for the failure to respond? I suspect that R.S.V.P has somehow lost a bit of its meaning, the compulsory quality it used to carry. So what exactly does it mean to R.S.V.P. and what did it mean once upon a time?

Let’s start with the literal meaning. It is an abbreviation of a common French phrase whose translation is, “Please respond.”

According to Wikipedia:

The high society of England adopted French etiquette in the late 18th century, and the writings of Emily Post (the authority on etiquette) aim to offer a standard no more stringent than that tradition. Late 20th century editions (of her book), building on her 1920s beginning work, say… that “Anyone receiving an invitation with an RSVP on it is obliged to reply….” and some recent editions describe breaching this standard as “inexcusably rude.”

Emily Post advises (that) anyone receiving an invitation with an R.S.V.P. on it must reply promptly, and should reply within a day or two of receiving the invitation.

OK, so when you receive a written invitation to an event, it is expected that you will quickly inform your host whether or not you plan to attend. That puts some pressure on you: if you are coming you need to so inform the sender; equally, if you are not coming, your anticipated non-attendance must also be reported.

Why?

1. First, because someone has thought of you favorably. He or she wishes the pleasure of your company. It may be your brilliance, your beauty, your fame, your charm, or something else, but the invitation says that you matter. By responding you acknowledge the kindness and compliment being extended to you and take a small step in reciprocating. In effect, you are saying, “Thank you for the invitation. You matter to me, too.”
2. Invitations generally do not go to everyone. Space is often limited. If the host or hostess is to be able to plan to fill those spaces, he or she needs to know who will be there and who won’t.
3. Social gatherings generally involve food and refreshments. The party planner must have a reasonable idea of how much to buy, how much to prepare, how much to budget. And, they must have enough advanced notice to do this.
4. You were invited. Not your understudy, not your next-door-neighbor, not your business associate. Don’t assume that anyone else can substitute for you. That diminishes the importance of the thoughtfulness of the host or hostess in choosing you.

I suspect that many of us don’t think about these things too much; don’t think about the reasons our potential benefactor needs to hear from us, sooner rather than later or not at all. Some assume that they need to respond only with regrets at not being able to come. And, indeed, many invitations come with the message “Regrets only.”

I imagine that when some of us delay responding or don’t respond at all, we are thinking, “Oh, one person more or less isn’t going to matter that much;” or “I’ll get to it later.” No harm is intended by this attitude, yet there can be inconvenience or expense to the person extending the invitation. Remember, that person has to answer the question “Should I buy enough chicken for a dinner of 15 or 115?”

I also have witnessed, as have all of us over 40, that the civilized world has become a more casual place, one with fewer dress codes, social restrictions, and compulsory expectations. A world that is a bit friendlier and more at ease. But, sometimes that ease is purchased at the price of slackness, inconsideration, and unreliability. I can’t tell you what the perfect balance is, but I can tell you that if you are planning an event, you hope that people take your invitations seriously and make your life a little easier by informing you of their plans with respect to it.

Immanuel Kant, the great German philosopher, offered us a way to think about situations like this. He wrote about the idea of a “categorical imperative” when it comes to rules for moral behavior. He suggested that each of us should ask ourselves some version of the following question: Would I be content if the rules I use to govern my behavior (like viewing an R.S.V.P as optional) also apply to everyone else in the world? And, would the world be better or worse for it?

Really, it is pretty simple. The Golden Rule is almost always a great way to evaluate our conduct. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Even in response to dinner invitations.

How a Dangerous Patient Got That Way

When I first saw “Mr. X” in my waiting room, I thought his head was on fire. Striking, spiked red hair aflame. My mistake. It was his heart.

Before long, he would be on the verge of doing harm. Or, as he saw it, putting things right; being something like an avenging angel on the side of all that he believed to be just and good; a kind of holy warrior.

This is the story of how he went from being depressed and disgruntled to someone who might kill. But it is also a story about what happens when hearts are inflamed with rage.

Until only a short time before the “X-Man” consulted me, he was the sort of guy who, when you saw him in a crowd, the crowd stood out. Hardly a mutant superhero. His physical stature and undistinguished facial features made him appear to be an average man in every way: average nose, average mouth, average height — you get the picture. Back then his hair was conservatively fashioned, not spiked, and my patient colored it a less startling shade.

Mr. X did not welcome attention, you see. Attention in his life had never signaled kindness.

His parents were unkind. His teachers had been unkind. His first wife was unkind. And his kids wanted no part of him other than financial support. They believed his first wife, who said that he was a scoundrel. Thus, we have a man who was abused and neglected, bullied by school mates, and badly treated by wife #1. The divorce had been financially ruinous and somehow that woman had managed to win his children’s favor.

The X-Person was reasonably bright and worked in a technical field of endeavor. He’d made a decent living, but watched as others surpassed him. Some of them were minorities, and rather than looking at possible short-comings in himself (his relatively clumsy social skills, for example), he thought that they were getting unfair promotion. In short, he became a bigot.

Then the final blow: a financial downturn and the loss of his job. He came to me after several months of a futile job search. He was both depressed and embittered. My patient had tried to play by the rules and, it seemed to him, the referee was always penalizing him. Having no close friends, the only things he could count on were his second wife’s support and that of his religious faith, which he relied on more and more. It was not the religion of his parents, but one that he’d chosen some time after his divorce.

Therapy was aimed at keeping him afloat emotionally so that he could succeed in finding a proper job. To the extent that he opened himself to looking at his life of travail, the treatment attempted to help him grieve his losses. But, let’s just say that the goal of keeping him from curling into a ball was working, while relieving him of his back-pack of unresolved grief was not.

Several months in, however, it was clear that he was beginning to think about violence. Acting out. Targeting others. And he increasingly saw the religious texts that he faithfully read as indicating that wrong was being done in the world and that it was his job to right that wrong. Indeed, he felt that it would be irresponsible and sacrilegious not to.

Interestingly, Mr. X was untroubled by war and wished to have no part in supporting it or protesting it. Nor was he concerned with children who were abandoned or starving. No, his concern was for the unborn, but his anger was against those who conspired to prevent their birth. Specifically, physicians who performed abortions.

This X-Man was uncomfortable after telling me this. He was more than smart enough to recognize that, if he talked about a plan of action or specified a target, I was required to report him to those authorities who might prevent the worst. When I questioned him about the inconsistency between valuing the lives of the unborn and the likelihood of destroying lives of innocent bystanders in addition to the “murderers” he hated, he brushed-off the thought. When I mentioned the commandment “Thou shalt not kill,” he was unfazed. Yet it came from the book he called “holy.”

To my patient, there was no problem in killing the MDs, and anyone else who might die in addition to the doctors would be “collateral damage,” worth the accomplishment of his goal. He did not expect to be punished by the god he worshipped and didn’t care what civil authorities might do to him.

It was clear to him and to me that my concern about potential carnage (he denied “yet” having a plan and claimed he hadn’t definitely decided to do anything) was getting in the way of his treatment. Within a few weeks he indicated that he could no longer trust me because I seemed too concerned about “the others” who, he believed, were beneath contempt. He wasn’t sure if he wanted another therapist when I offered to help him find one, because, he said, “They’d have to report me, too.” Assuming, of course, that he went further with his thinking and actually did come up with a plan and a specific target.

When he terminated therapy I was worried. I continued to try to keep phone contact, calling him every few weeks. And, before long, there was a change. The X-Man landed a job. He sounded buoyant, no longer angry, and free of the obsessive preoccupation with going out of this world in a glorious bloodbath, along with the evil soul or souls whose existence he wanted to erase. This frustrated man was frustrated no more, throwing himself into a job that felt fulfilling and interesting. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

As I look back on that man and that time, I sometimes think about what it takes to go over the line. Would this X-Man, lacking X-Men-like super powers that might have made him feel better about himself, have killed if he hadn’t found work just then? I think he might have. Would he have killed only because his religion saw his targets as sinning? No. With a different religion or no religion, he still could have justified his action. Righteous anger is always self-justifying.

Most, if not all religious documents are like a Rorschach Inkblot: one person looks at the picture and sees a butterfly, while another looks at the same picture and sees a vampire bat. The Bible recommends stoning as the punishment for adultery, but we haven’t heard of too many Jews or Christians taking that point seriously lately. In religion, interpretation is everything. No, this man could have been almost any isolated soul who had a sorry history of disappointment, heartbreak, and failed attempts to make his life better; and a bunch of anger ready to blossom into a mushroom cloud.

Nagasaki, 20 Minutes After the Atomic Bomb Explosion in 1945

We humans look for justification for our actions, sometimes before we act, but always after. And we tend to find it. “They’ve got weapons of mass destruction,” said the government, “so let’s invade Iraq before they kill us.” “Slavery is in the Bible (and is not there rebuked) so God intended for us to keep slaves,” as the slave-holding Southern States used to argue. Even the god described in the first book of the Bible, the Book of Genesis, is the intelligent designer of the first-ever genocide, which we conveniently think of as the benign story of Noah and the Ark. God’s reasons?

The LORD saw that the wickedness of humankind was great in the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually.  And the LORD was sorry that he had made humankind on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. (Genesis 6.5 and 6.6).

As Blaise Pascal said, “The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.”

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The top image comes from the movie Brave. Some details of this story have been changed to protect the identity of the patient.

The Causes of Insecurity

Insecurity is in the nature of being human. It is a commonplace, even if most people make a serious effort to disguise it. Too many things to know, too many to learn, too many rejections — most everyone has had significant experience of the things that undermine confidence. But, what makes for more than the usual amount of insecurity? What contributes to some people becoming “insecure?”

Here are a few of its causes:

• Temperament: Little human personalities can be different from the moment of birth. Just as not all children have the same color eyes or hair, neither do they have the same temperament. Pre-school kids have distinctive and lasting characteristics on such dimensions as being reactive vs. calm, tending to approach or avoid new situations, and being introverted or extroverted. While not guaranteeing fractured confidence as an adult, inborn qualities can make a contribution to it.
• Overly Critical Parenting: Security can be undermined by parents who are too critical, neglectful, or frankly abusive. Sometimes neglect is unavoidable, as it tends to be in families where there are lots of children or the parents are working long hours outside of the home simply to put food on the table. But sometimes the insecurity develops because of something more subtle. If you are born to extroverted parents and you are introverted (while your siblings are more like your folks), you may feel like an odd-duck, not quite fitting in. If your dad was hoping for an athlete and you are an artist, the same sense of parental disappointment might be hard to miss.
• Bullying: Kids can be targeted by the classmates for all sorts of reasons including the way they look, where they live, how they dress; and racial, religious, or ethnic differences. Gender matters too, especially if you are the sole female in a physics class with a wise-guy classmate who makes fun of you and a teacher who hasn’t the capability to stop it, as I witnessed back in high school.
• Body Image: In a society filled with spectacularly beautiful advertising images, it is difficult to be plain; and worse yet, unattractive in any way. Too tall, too skinny, too fat — God help you. Too much acne, bad hair, a lack of finely-tuned motor coordination, same problem. Some of us continue to see ourselves in terms of that early self and struggle with the sense of insecurity that was produced back then.
• Learning Problems: This can take the form of a learning disability, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), or even being average in a school filled with high achievers.
  
• Multiple Changes of Residence: Being the new kid is not usually fun, especially for introverted young people who struggle with fitting in and finding friends. Insecurity can follow.
• Parental Overprotection: When parents prevent their children from doing things that are simply a part of growing up, they can communicate to the child that he isn’t up to the task. Moreover, they rob the young one of the chance to grow from experience, learn what he needs to know in the social sphere, and become more confident. He may also be at risk of being seen as “different” by his peers, because he is the kid who “isn’t allowed” to do things that most other parents freely permit.

• Parental Expectations: For some parents, life won’t be complete until their children go to Harvard, become famous, and have a building named after them. Even an objectively accomplished person can be insecure if he feels that he has failed to reach that standard, unless he throws off this requirement by dint of self-examination or therapy. In today’s civilized world, we compete with the best brains and ideas on an international scale, quite a change from most of human history, when you could easily feel great being a big fish in a small pond; that is, standing out for athletic or scholarly excellence in your tiny community.
• Money: If your classmates and their parents have more money, nicer homes, or better clothes than you do, this can cause you to be noticed in an uncomfortable way and make you feel less worthy than the others.
• Guilt: Do you have a secret? Do you feel guilty about something others don’t know about? Are you adopted or is your father alcoholic or your mother depressed? Such things can make you feel vulnerable, in the belief that others would disapprove “if only they knew.” And if they do, the talk behind your back is predictable.
• Being in Someone’s Shadow: While there are a great many good things about being the child or sibling of a person who is extraordinary, it can create a high bar to any kind of recognition or acceptance of you for your own sake, someone who has his own identity and is worth knowing even if he isn’t an Olympic champion or a captain of industry.
• Blushing and Sweating: We all get nervous, but some of us do stand out in a visible way. President Richard Nixon was famous for the amount of perspiration he generated during the Kennedy-Nixon Presidential Debates in 1960, so much that most people who saw him on TV thought he lost, but the majority of those who only heard him over the radio thought he won. Whatever insecurity you are prone to can be amplified by knowing that your discomfort will sometimes shine like a lighthouse beacon.

• Isolation: Children whose living conditions offer little opportunity to socialize with same-aged kids are at a disadvantage. The talented and extroverted among them are more likely to have confidence when they enter the social arena, while the introverted may have more difficulty. Living at a distance from other kids your own age or being home-schooled can fuel this problem. The distance also doesn’t afford the opportunities of living in challenging social situations that contribute to a growing sense of competence and mastery. Once behind the curve, whether through the peculiar circumstances of childhood or your own avoidance of challenges as an adult, you might come to feel that you are now too lacking in practice and even further behind others in any number of work, social, or sexual situations.
• Life Failures: The frustrations of life can take their toll. Confidence might be undermined by too many jobs lost, goals unfulfilled, rejections, and relationship failures.
• The Depredations of Aging: If your self-image depends largely on just one thing, a loss of that thing can make a big difference in your sense of security. Athletic prowess fades, as does beauty. Worse yet, the former prom king and queen can discover that their bodies no longer demand positive attention (or perhaps now get the wrong kind of attention). Some feel mocked by the photos of their youth.

None of these factors will undermine every person. Many of them interact with one another, making confidence more difficult. But getting over what is past and challenging yourself to master new and difficult situations tends to be productive. Therapy can be helpful in coming to terms with a history that seems to anchor you to the ocean’s bottom, as well as a present that looks too daunting given your internal shakiness. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.

Metaphorically speaking, humans are like the Great White Shark, which must swim in order to breathe: either we keep moving forward or we die.

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The top image is called Shamed Man by Victor Bezrukov, The second photo is called Cutest Girl Ever by Lindsay Stark. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

Einstein’s Legs

My friend Jan Gordon recently sent me several photo reproductions I hadn’t seen, including one of Albert Einstein. Most of us usually see just Einstein’s head. But here, for all those curious about his nether regions, were his legs. Not bad, I’d say!

That got me to thinking, as nearly everything does. Einstein is one of the best brains ever, but his lower extremities are pretty ordinary. He is just another guy.  We are — all of us — much of the time, just like everyone else. Even the great men and women.

We don’t typically think about all the mundane things that make our lives no different from the lives of others.  The time we just spend dressing, shaving, combing, eating a banana, pouring a glass of milk, going to the W/C, brushing our teeth, sleeping, snoring. Even passing gas and sneezing. Think about your idol, your dream date, the person you most admire in the world. The smartest people, the most beautiful people, the powerful people; the good people and the bad people. Abe Lincoln, Hillary Clinton, Heidi Klum, Mick Jagger, Genghis Khan, Mozart, Madame Curie, Queen Elizabeth, everyone.

If a case can be made that people are really the same everywhere, it is in these things. We come into the world with nothing and we leave it in the same way, as the Bible reminds us. Great men and great women are only great in the in-between moments. Much of life is about nothing bigger than grooming, maintenance, and sleep. Take a look at your dogs and cats. They do it too.  Perhaps the secret to Einstein’s greatness was that he didn’t spend much time combing his hair and therefore had more time for deep thought.

Baby Einstein, with legs crossed, as in the top photo.

We work and train to win the races of life, but most competitions are over in a flash. Lots more time is spent on wiping our bottom. Maybe one of the tricks to happiness is finding contentment in the things we never think about. According to some sources, women spend .78 hours per day in grooming, men .56. That doesn’t count mowing the lawn, sewing or buying or mending clothes, taking the kids to school, or paying bills.

The next time you think about how much you wish you were more wonderful or more accomplished, look at that photo of Einstein and imagine him clipping his toenails. I have it on good authority that he actually did. I’ll admit, it is not an ennobling thought. But, in that moment, every one of us is an Einstein. Hope that makes you (and me) feel better.

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The second photo is of Einstein at age three, the oldest known picture of him. And note that he appears quite well-groomed! It was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.